everytime it doesnt work........

I feel less of a woman. Why would anyone love someone that cant even produce children? When Im alone the tears run constantly... I just feel useless.

Reality smacked me in my face :(

As my title says reality smacked me fair and square in the face this morning as I was in the shower. The reality that I may never become a Mother that I will never make B a Daddy. I thought this fear had passed that we would still be happy without children but the truth is I don't think I will ever be truly happy without them. I look at photos of others with their kiddies and I tear up hoping that 1 day we will have that too.....reality though.... we probably wont. I bawled for an hour while showering looking up to the sky asking why in the hell this isnt working for us.....I get no answers from above I get no answers from my FS or clinic......I am just left in the dark never knowing why. Today is not a good day and im scared :(

BFFN

Well as I guessed its a BFFN.....so pissed off upset angry at my body and anyone who dares to cross me atm :|
Had my BT on Saturday to hear the shitty news i was expecting by 3pm. I was heading out that night so it gave me good reason to write myself off which I did....felt like shit all the next day so i dont think it was worth it in the end lol.

I have spoken to my FS and she is only prepared to stick me on baby aspirin to see if that makes a difference.....after 10 years 6 of those IVF....3 donor cycles...3 FS about 15 transfers and nothing i think i need more than a few fucking aspirins. I know im only 35 but we have been at this for 10 years SOMETHING has to be changed. I am not willing to transfer anything else until it has. I want to be put on clexane and Prednisone its not going to kill me to try but my FS wont budge. So thanks to my lovely friend I have her FS in Brisbane to email just to see what she think...i want everything thrown at me before I decide maybe i need a surrogate too. I dont want our beautiful  embryos to go to waste if i do in fact have implantation problems too.

I was fine when i was on my extended break and then to come back have yet another failure it just makes me so fucking mad. I just want off this roller coaster once and for all.

Rant over back to my job hunting now.....oh yeh did i mention that I had walked out on my job 1 week ago.....hey Nat just add to the rest of the shit going on why dont you lol

Nat
xox

You cant be serious!

Well this morning gave me yet another BFN so im not hopeful for Sundays results...I might even ask to go in earlier. I have had some spotting already just like every other god damn cycle.... I never get to BT day without spotting or straight out bleeding. TOTAL BS...I dont know why I have been to 3 FS and not one of them have changed it up for me progynova and pessaries that is all surely they could be putting me on something else....it cant hurt to treat me like I have NK cells etc etc. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO pissed of with my body 3rd donor cycle...donor always comes to the party B always comes to the party why cant Nat.......grrrrrrrrrrrr honestly so upset with my body right now.

Just to make things worse I walked out on my job yesterday I could not take the drama and bullying there any more so i packed my desk up and locker up and said i wont be returning and walked...all before lunch time yesterday. More added pressure now only having 1 income...hopefully not for long...but yeh more added pressure now, we wont be able to transfer for awhile now until i find something else, I dont think I want to transfer again until someone freaking helps me work out why these beautiful embies arent implanting :( This is our last chance and I don't want to just waste the embryos.

SO thats that all good things must come to an end and my winning streak has ended. I probably wouldnt be so down if I knew we could go back to back...somehow I dont think that will be happening.

Thanks wonderful ladies for all your sticky vibes but ET didnt stay home hims very naughty lol

This universe just likes fucking with me im sure :(

Natx

Hatching

Hoping like crazy little ET has made it to blasty and is hatching out today ready to  burrow nice and deep into my lining :) Im staying reasonably calm but then I have those minutes of doubt where I think it hasn't worked in the last 10 years why would it work for this one....I know everyone keeps telling me to remain positive but after so much heart ache I find it hard to stop those moments creeping in.

On a positive note at least im in with a chance this Mothers Day usually I feel like I need to hide on this day.

Hope anyone reading my blog has lovely weekend...Happy Mother's Day to all the Mothers and too those of us who aren't quite there yet, I hope you still can enjoy the day with your Mother.
Nat
xox

PUPO

Finally after 1 and half years since last transfer...finding 2 donors for them to pull out..... we are again PUPO and all thanks to a wonderful generous anonymous donor :) Everything went very smoothly, I just love my FS she is a gorgeous soul. We have a beautiful grade 1 compacting embie on board BT is on the 20th....so happy! B & I were driving home and I said what should we call our embie B says ET I was like WHAT?? do you rekon it looked like ET on the screen he goes no thats what the nurses called it...I said yeh that meant and Embryo transfer hahahahahaha then he continued by saying you know ET phone home thats what its going to do lol so I will go with it

Going to rest up now lazing on the lounge...good weather for it :)

Now I need all the sticky vibes everyone can muster up :)

Here is our beautiful embie :)

Can I allow myself to get excited now?

Today is the day, the day we get to transfer or precious little Embie :)

 I had the worst nights sleep tossing and turning I was even dreaming about all the lovely ladies I have met along the way through this TTC journey...most of them being from the Eastern states...bizarre I know lol :) It was almost like the last 10 years flashing past me again. I woke up and I was nearly hyperventilating whether this embie would thaw. I got stuck into some cleaning then finally allowed myself to make the call, I was shaking like a leaf. To hear our lil ice bubba has made it through the thaw and it looks just as beautiful as before the freeze was a HUUUUGE relief...Im so freaking happy now and allowing myself to get a little bit excited :) So we shall be heading in for a 12.45 admission Yay :) I just hope my body comes to the party....I am more than ready to become a MOTHER :)

I honestly wish I could grab our donor whoever she is and give her the biggest hug what a she is

Natx