Sometimes I feel......

like the loneliest person in the world :(  I know im not but days like today it truly feels like it. I cant believe that after nearly 10 years we are no closer of having a baby. Noone really knows just how upset I am and noone really understands the pain i am feeling,  it hurts like crazy. Everytime we get close of living the dream it is taken away from us just as quick....how does one manage to keep going...when do you know enough is enough?? My heart aches!

Donor pulls out again :(

I have just received an email from Rach saying she can no longer be our donor. Without going through all the details she has been having issues with her husband and has decided to leave him. She feels she wont be able to go through it all by herself and I can totally understand that, wouldnt expect her too either. How do I feel??? Shattered but what can you do, Im not sure what we are going to do from here  :cry:  Argh just when things were looking up for B & I ...I just cant believe it. I mad  hurt pissed off and i hate the universe for continuously working against me.

2 months down :)

Well another month has quickly gone past leaving only 1 month left of our cooling off period YAY. Rach has told me weaning her little man is going pretty well and we might be able to cycle in FEB but I told her not to rush it all just for me...we all have to be comfortable with everything. She is sure now that this is the best for her and her little man so I will just go with the flow. Starting to get a little excited now woohoo :)

Reply email from CEO

OMG I can say the CEO of the clinic is just as rude accusing me of making up lies just to get out of paying bills....can you believe that. I was so angry. He did admit to his staff making a mistake with my meds and has scraped the bills for that cycle not before telling me though that I was over reacting and that i couldn't possibly  of got "sick" from taking too much. I emailed him back to let him know how dare he just dismiss the way i was feeling and that he was just as rude. My husband read the email and said it was a scare tactic to scare me off from suing or something. I wasnt going to have that so again i emailed him to let him know he was way off the mark and that he had turned this into a cant pay bills thing when that wasn't the case. I didnt pay the last bill out of principal because of the bad service we received. Cut a long story short he emailed me back apoligising and has now agreed to met us in person, I mean lets be honest a CEO of a company emailing a client is just a little ridiculous and impersonal...glad he has found the balls now to see me in person. Im still seething at his email but I wont let it get in my way of putting my point of view across. For over $8000 per cycle we deserve nothing but the best from our clinic and nothing less.

Update on my wonderful donor :)

I usually email call or sms Rach at least once a week but being the crazy season I didnt manage to do that for the last couple of weeks. Once I got a spare moment i did however manage to do so just to see how every one was. She told me that her little man was down to 3 feeds a day and nearly sleeping right through the night yay :) Hearing this has made my doubts I had a few weeks ago go away and I will just wait patiently until everyone on her side is ready. I still thank Rach everyday for giving us yet another chance at parenthood....what an angel :)x

Letter to CEO

On Wednesday I got home from work to find more bills from clinic for the canceled cycle. How the hell can they just send out bills and expect them to be paid when their staff stuffed things up :( Made me so freaking mad, no one calls me to say hey we are very sorry or dont worry about paying those bills as we stuffed you around! No instead i get no phone calls from the head people and bills in the mail.....WELL A BIG SCREW YOU!

So I decided to write an email to the CEO...which is the only way to contact him :|

To CEO of CLINIC ( Have taken away his name and all other names including clinics name from my blog)
 
I have been meaning to email you in the last 2 weeks and finally have the chance to do so. My partner and I have been with the clinic since 2006 trying for our baby with no success. I have found all the staff up until the big move fantastic. Last year my donor and I cycled in Dec, a total disaster due to the lack of support from new staff, giving us wrong medication, running out of medication and basically just being rude. It was that bad I have actually not paid that bill as I feel why should I when we didn't get top notch assistance. I did try and contact you back then but again staff were very unclear on how I would go about doing this. We decided to take the year off as we were really not that happy with this clinic  anymore, its all good that we had new premises, fancy new machines and pretty lights etc etc but what is all of that worth when the service has dropped. I never use to feel like just a number now I do. We pay big dollars and expect to be treated  the right way, this journey is hard enough mentally, physically and emotionally without the added stresses of Staff not doing their jobs right. Which brings me to my next complaint.  

We found a new donor in July this year (our last donor after the bad treatment was a little bit put off wanting to cycle for us again) and decided we would come back to the clinic, my FS decided that she would track my cycle and then I was to complete a medicated tracking cycle. 1st tracking cycle (Oct) was good but in saying that I got 2 no calls back from the coordinators with my results. I had to call them in the morning to ask what was going on, not good if I was doing a real IVF cycle this could throw everything out of whack...what happened if I needed another blood test in the morning but didn't go due to noone calling me to tell me so?

The next month I started my medicated tracking cycle, I picked up my medications and my instruction form. I started taking my progynova when told but after a few days on it I started feeling sick and had the headache from hell, I called the clininc for them to tell me this was normal and try taking panadol. This was more than a headache and I was just not feeling right so I decided to look at my drug order sheet from FS and compare it with the instruction sheet given to me by 1 of the coordinators to find out that the coordinator had written the wrong dosage, she had doubled it up which is why i was feeling terrible. I must say I was furious and again if this was to happen to me or my wonderful egg donor this could throw our cycle out of whack. Coordinators need to take more care I need to know these things are not going to happen at the expense of our heath and money. It turns out, being on the double dose threw my hormones all over the place and FS cancelled my medicated cycle. I have since received the bills for this cycle and again I dont see why I should pay for this. I didnt get the right instructions, I got sick from taking the wrong dosage and yet these bills are still sent out.

I really would like a meeting with you just so we can talk to this face to face and talk more in depth about this situation . I am writing this email on behalf of everyone attending this clinic, I would hate to think this could happen to any one of them and it really irks me this could happen to new patients cycling for the first time. I know how stressful my first time was and you totally rely on the staff to guide you through it. I have a wonderful donor, she is offering us another chance at parenthood, I would like to think she is in the best hands at clinic and I would expect staff to make sure she was. As I stated before, this journey is hard enough without the mistakes made by some staff. I know it gets busy, i understand that but that does not mean the standards of this clinic should drop and in no circumstances should mistakes be made jeopardising a cycle, this is our life and our money your dealing with.

Looking forward to your response.

Kind Regards
Natalie

I received in email stating this

 

Dear Natalie,

 

I’m very sorry to hear of these issues that you’ve raised. I will undertake an investigation of what happened and you will hear back from us as soon as this has been done.

 

Kind Regards,

 

 

Lets just see how much investigating he does because quite frankly im over my clinic!

Cant Shake this bad feeling :(

So the medicated cycle didnt go to plan as I wrote in my last blog...Im hoping they ave found a problem and it can be fixed before we cycle if ever we get to cycle :| which brings me to my next problem.

Rach had told me from the very beginning that she would like to breast feed up until March 2012 when she was going to stop as she was going away on a holiday without the kids for 5 days. I was fine with this as she explained how important it was to her to breast feed her little man as she couldn't for her first child. I was happy with this and in no way did I want to pressure her.I have ran into a bit of a problem now.

I decided that I would look up how long after breast feeding does a woman's cycle return to normal....just wanted a rough estimation when Rach may be ready to cycle and I happened to read a post on a forum that sounded alot like Rach. She spoke about how she would like to breast feed her son until he was 12 months and was it possible to stop breastfeeding for 5 days while she was on holidays then pick it up again when she got back...she was really really wanting to do this. Well I was a little shocked and  confused. I still didnt know that it was her I was assuming it was so I decided to message her. I just couldnt let this be as I needed to know what was going on. It turned out that it was in fact her and not to worry she was just thinking out allowed. She had been thinking about it but her husband wanted her to wean before FEB so she was going to start after Christmas. I messaged back that I didnt want to pressure her I just wanted to know if I needed to psych myself up to wait another couple of months. I know this sounds selfish but when someone has told you from the start that we would be able to start in March to think that it could by more like June well this is a very long time.

I havent been able to shake the feeling of doubt..........I know she is really wanting to help me there's no  doubting  that but Im thinking If I have to wait another 6 months im going to be another year older she is going to be another year older and argh anything can happen.....I know I know people who may be reading this  might be saying....HEY WOMAN RELAX SHE IS DOING YOU A FAVOUR and trust me I KNOW that but I also have to protect myself, My husband and I have been through enough pain over these 8 years :|

Seeing people who found their donor after me cycling already just frustrates me...why is it im always the last one on forums to have a baby...i was the first to find a donor but the last to  cycle it just frustrating. Cant I just have it easy for a little bit.

If there is anyone out there who is reading this I would like some feedback.........Am i being selfish thinking this way and unreasonable ?

Medicated cycle canned :(

Well FS has decided to can this tracking cycle as my levels are fluctuating far too much. Makes me wonder if this has happened on all my other Donor cycles since they dont do bloods. She is going to go through all my results with a fine tooth comb and see what the hell is going on and work out the best way to go from here. Will hear some time next week ....hopefully before she goes on leave for the school holidays.
x

Just about at my wits end with this clinic

Well I have just had the worst ordeal with my clinic. On Wednesday I started feeling really sick with the worse headache and feeling quite nauseated to the point I thought I might have had to go to the DR's. I called the clinic to tell them and they sort of shrugged it off. I knew the only thing that had changed was me taking Progynova but it didnt make me feel this way last time. I decided to look at my drug order sheet and compare it to the instruction sheet given to me by one of the nurses and the silly woman had written the wrong dosage on there. I had been taking more than double the dose and obviously producing my own estrogen as well throwing my body into overdrive :|....this wasnt the only problem as i was tracking this cycle of course now all my BT results were going to be out of whack and not true readings. I have written a letter of complaint to the CEO as this shit shouldnt be happening...doesnt matter how big or small the mistake it can have a HUGE bearing on a cycle. I am not only thinking about myself but everyone else who goes to that clinic and more importantly to me Rach....being a 1st time donor I would expect my donor to feel comfortable having everything explained well to her making it as easier as possible. This is not the first mistake this clinic has made ...stuffing up our whole donor cycle last DEC not calling with results its a freaking joke atm :(  Since the mistake I have had nurses calling me up apoligising..the one today said that the instructions sheets were a disaster ready to happen and they were sorry it came at a price of me feeling so sick ....I guess at the end of the day Im lucky it was only a medicated tracking cycle and not our real cycle. As soon as I went back down to the normal dosage my headache went away and I have been feeling ok again :)

Medicated tracking cycle

And so the Blood tests start again :)\

20th Nov : Day 1
21st Nov: Day 2...start Proynova 2 tablets daily
28th Nov: Day 9...start taking 4 Progynova a day

29th Nov: Day 10 Blood Test
EST: 880
LH: 15
PROG: 1.4

Well I guess there is a difference with taking Progynova as this time last cycle my estrogen was 620 so quite a big jump :)

30th Nov: Day 11 Blood Test
EST: 1000
LH: 22
PROG: 1.3
So today I havent been feeling so well very bad headache and feeling sick in tummy. Later in the evening I decided that I would compare my drug order sheet from FS to the instruction sheet the nurse gave me and guess why I have been feeling quite ill.....THE NURSE HAS WRITTEN DOUBLE THE DOSE ON MY INSTRUCTION SHEET. So I have been overdosing on the crap...i totally lost it crying thinking how bloody stupid can these nurses be im guessing this has screwed up my medicated tracking cycle too as every result will be based on the double the dose :( I am headng into clinic tomorrow to give them what for. So upset and pissed off with this.


1st Dec: Day 12 Blood test & scan
EST:660
LH:32
PROG:1.6
LINING: 10mm 
FOLLICLE: 10mm
These result are all freaking weird 

2nd Dec: Day 13 
EST: 1100
LH: 22
Prog: 0.7
Nurse said they are going to dismiss yesterdays results as if you take them out of the equation the rest of my results are looking good. I asked the nurse what were we trying to achieve on this cycle...I think basically my FS wants to see if I can just use Progynova  and not Synarel as well so far with the scan and BT it looks as if they can control when I ovulate which is a good thing :) Have to be in Sync with my donor :)

3rd Dec: Day 14 
EST: 885
LH: 17
PROG:1.7

this cycle has been canned due to my levels fluctuating to much :( 

 

1 month down 2 to go :)

Well thats 1 month down for the cooling off period Yay :) Im sure the other months will fly by just as fast being so busy and all :) Today is day 1 of my medicated tracking cycle so start progynova tomorrow another woohoo :) Be curious just how different my levels will be on meds again considering my natural levels were all beautiful. Another busy week here for me with work and my small business..orders coming through every day. Thanksgiving is on Thursday our biggest dinner of the year lol I take a whole day off work to cook

What a beautiful weekend we have in Perth about to head off for a walk from Hillarys to Trigg beach :)

Happy Sunday

xox

1 cycle down :)

My next cycle which should start in the next couple of days as I have had some spotting today will be a medicated cycle, using all the drugs I am usually on for a donor cycle except for Synarel. Progynova, Progesterone Pessaries and Pregnyl will be the drugs I will be using.

In the last couple of days I have had a few moments asking myself why we are doing all of this again....its so hard, plus my donor has just told me that she will be breastfeeding for a little longer. This upset me for a short time but I through myself  in the shower and told myself to stop feeling this way...specially when I told her from the start there will be no pressure from us about the whole breatsfeeding thing....I guess it just through me a little and im cool about it now :) Oh why are we going through all of this again?????..............BECAUSE WE WOULD JUST LOVE TO HAVE A LITTLE BUBS TO HELP US COMPLETE OUR LITTLE FAMILY :)

Why do I do it to myself :|

Ok so today I had the stupid urge to POAS even though getting PG naturally is so far out of the question. I have been extremely tired lately something I never complain about so I thought maybe someone upstairs has given me a miracle....well of course it was a negative...didnt matter what angle I bloody held it to that light it was CLEARLY a Negative...... why I wasted my money on a silly PG test :|

I guess there is no harm in thinking that maybe just maybe we could be that urban legend...tried for so long then BAM we get PG naturally oh wouldn't that be nice. So now im feeling miserable ARRRRRRRGH :(

Just an update on Rachel my donor too.....she has decided to breast feed for a little longer so it looks like we could be cycling further into the middle of next year....this upset me a little but at the same time I know what breastfeeding means to her so I dont want to add pressure. Whats a few more months right. I just wish I was normal times like these i just want to be NORMAL!

Tracking cycle 1

Well we are only 4 days into tracking this cycle and already I have had to call the clinic and blast them...i had my day 2 bloods Sunday and no phone call with results I had to call them today and let them know. I said after last years disastrous cycle due to incompetent staff this better not be a sign of what is too come with our donor cycle. I asked first did they not call me because im only tracking and I know what days to have my tests done to which i was given a response of No it doesnt matter what bloods you have we call you with results no matter what. I just feel we have picked up where we left last year GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Anyway all levels were baseline and next test is day 10....I truly hate tracking....thought they would test my FSH which they never did that is the piece of info i really wanted, to see if i was any closer to menopause

Day2 23/10/11

EST: under 150

LH: 23

P: 1.9

Day10 31/10/11 

EST: 620

LH: 14

Day 11 1/11/11

EST:720

LH: 27
Havent had a problem with the whole not calling me thing again, hopefully they have learnt from the first mistake :)

Day12 2/11/11
EST: 920
LH: 34
PROG: 2
SCAN:Lining 10mm Follicle 19
Needed to go back into clinic and grab a trigger shot....why I dont know never had a problem with ovulating by myself....after today I feel like moving clinics Im sick of the way the coordinators talk to me like im an idiot and dont know what im talking about....been there 5 years asshole I know what im talking about! You might have a degree but that doesnt mean you know my body better then me :|

8/11/11 5DPO
PROG: 25
 Im not too sure about my lining it said 10mm which is good on the scan but I just got back bloods to check Prog on 5dpo and it was 25 they said they  would like 30+ sooo im thinking maybe i do have a lining issue or im not producing enough prog to keep a pg....so glad FS is looking at this now and hope it looks better when I do the medicated tracking cycle ready for the real cycle....actually i wish this had been done like 6 years ago when we started all of this IVF crap. Anyway another BT on Thursday so we shall wait and see what that says.

10/11/11 7DPO

PROG: 30

The coordinator who called me said that Lucy said this was a really good level for where i am at with the cycle so I dont know what the other woman was talking about on Tuesday :|

12/11/11 9DPO

PROG:35

Lucy still very happy with this level so thats it for this cycle....be nice to get a natural PG from this cycle hahahaha ok its a big ask but I can still dream cant I :)

It takes 3

As a little girl I thought I would get married and have a little family. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would have problems having a baby let alone asking someone to donate their eggs to us!


You could imagine the shock after trying for 2 years before heading to a specialist to be told sorry you have premature ovarian failure and you will need IVF to have your babies....i was only 26....who in the hell goes through menopause at this age...MEEEEEEEE. funny thing is that nearly 9 years later Im still going through it GRRRRRRRR. I remember breaking down crying thinking why me. When we started IVF we were told right from the start we may need help from an egg donor..I though hmmm yeah right we havent even given IVF a shot yet using my eggs yet.......9 heart wrenching cycles later I finally got my head around using a donor .I had to go through a grieving process, I had lost my fertility once and for all I had the lost the baby that would never have my genes my blood and to some extent I had lost part of me....my body failed us and I think that was my biggest problem. I didnt feel like a woman and after alot of couselling I finally got to a good place :)


This will be our 3rd donor cycle and we have all our fingers crossed that we will get our much wanted baby from it. We have been counselled on what we should tell our children born from donor eggs and well its simple....I would say....it took 3 very special people to make you :)

Our donor angel :)

Its amazes me how a total stranger can be so generous :)


After our last attempt with our first donor in Dec last year we decided to take a well earnt break and start saving for a trip away to NYC so B could see his family. I promised myself that there would be no talk of babies ivf etc etc...a break was a break. We also came to the conclusion we would start searching for a younger donor. We knew it could take some time to find our new donor angel so we advertised at the start of June. We had several ladies email us and a few friends who wanted to help and one lady that wasnt so nice ( another story there) I spoke to them all for a few weeks but I think my mind was made up right from the very beginning. We emailed several times a day for the weeks leading up to before we headed over to NYC...I kept in contact with her while away too and finally when we returned back to Perth we met up for a coffee :)


Introducing our wonderful generous donor Rach


The wonderful woman who has offered to help us have our own little bubba, the woman who has helped restore our hope and faith...how can one stranger be so generous...I ask the question everyday, they are quite remarkable ladies.


Rach is just perfect, easy going and really easy to talk too.  She is married with 2 little boys. We have had our initial specialist appointment and my specialist think she is a fantastic choice :) We also have just completed our 3 sessions of counselling and are now currently in our 3 months cooling off period which will end in January 2012. Rach is breastfeeding her youngest still who is only around 5 months so we will have to wait until she is done with that before we can cycle anyway. In those 3 months I will be tracking 1 of my cycles and then tracking a medicated cycle just to get things right before we start the real thing.

Our AD

I’m Nat (34) my husband is Braulio (31) we meet in 2000 when Braulio was in the US Marines. We tried and survived a long distance relationship and married in 2002. Braulio still had some time left in the Marines so after our wedding he flew back to where he was stationed, finally joining me in Dec 2002. I thought this time apart would be the hardest part of our relationship, however, this was a piece of cake compared to what we both would endure trying to bring a child into our lives. After our time apart, we spent our first year enjoying each other and decided to seriously start trying in Dec 2003, after all we were young, and surely we had time on our side?

In 2004, I had a cervical cancer scare that required surgery as well as putting TTC on hold. Once we were given the all clear, we were back to trying, but when still no baby by the end of 2005, we decided to seek help. We saw our fertility specialist in Jan 06 when I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure. The first IVF opening was for Sept that year, so in the wait time, we completed 4 rounds of IUI and even more attempts at well time intercourse, all with no success.

We have since attempted 9 rounds of IVF, each time getting only 1 or 2 viable eggs, so never enough for a frozen transfer at a later date. Sadly, none of our fertilised eggs resulted in a successful pregnancy. In our downtimes from IVF I have tried everything imaginable to improve our chances of a viable pregnancy, herbs, weight loss, acupuncture, all to no avail.

So the time had come to accept that the premature ovarian failure was holding us back from the family we are so desperate for. My friend offered to donate her eggs so she cycled for us in Feb 2009 and gave us 3 chances at becoming parents unfortunately we got 2 BFN and an Ectopic pg which totally devastated all of us, I took awhile to recover from this as it was a very unpleasant ,drawn out experience . My friend then decided to cycle for us again Dec 2010 which turned into a total disaster no thanks to our clinic. I will always be grateful for what my friend has done for us she is a true angel in my eyes. Basically after this cycle we ran out of money to keep trying so we have been on an extended break UNTIL my mother has kindly offered to help us if needed to pay for another cycle. So Braulio & I think it is time to again try and find our donor angel as we just want the best opportunity possible after all the heartache we have endured..

Therefore, we are asking for the help of a wonderfully generous angel to donate eggs to help us achieve our dream. I ask you to remember the first time you looked into your child’s eyes and knew you life would never be the same again, the first time they put their arms up for you to gather them in your embrace, watching those first unsteady steps towards you… these are the things we want in our lives. We are even desperate for the morning sickness, sleepless nights and poopy nappies… we just want a child to love and adore. The only question remaining now is, are you the angel we are looking for?