everytime it doesnt work........

I feel less of a woman. Why would anyone love someone that cant even produce children? When Im alone the tears run constantly... I just feel useless.

Reality smacked me in my face :(

As my title says reality smacked me fair and square in the face this morning as I was in the shower. The reality that I may never become a Mother that I will never make B a Daddy. I thought this fear had passed that we would still be happy without children but the truth is I don't think I will ever be truly happy without them. I look at photos of others with their kiddies and I tear up hoping that 1 day we will have that too.....reality though.... we probably wont. I bawled for an hour while showering looking up to the sky asking why in the hell this isnt working for us.....I get no answers from above I get no answers from my FS or clinic......I am just left in the dark never knowing why. Today is not a good day and im scared :(

BFFN

Well as I guessed its a BFFN.....so pissed off upset angry at my body and anyone who dares to cross me atm :|
Had my BT on Saturday to hear the shitty news i was expecting by 3pm. I was heading out that night so it gave me good reason to write myself off which I did....felt like shit all the next day so i dont think it was worth it in the end lol.

I have spoken to my FS and she is only prepared to stick me on baby aspirin to see if that makes a difference.....after 10 years 6 of those IVF....3 donor cycles...3 FS about 15 transfers and nothing i think i need more than a few fucking aspirins. I know im only 35 but we have been at this for 10 years SOMETHING has to be changed. I am not willing to transfer anything else until it has. I want to be put on clexane and Prednisone its not going to kill me to try but my FS wont budge. So thanks to my lovely friend I have her FS in Brisbane to email just to see what she think...i want everything thrown at me before I decide maybe i need a surrogate too. I dont want our beautiful  embryos to go to waste if i do in fact have implantation problems too.

I was fine when i was on my extended break and then to come back have yet another failure it just makes me so fucking mad. I just want off this roller coaster once and for all.

Rant over back to my job hunting now.....oh yeh did i mention that I had walked out on my job 1 week ago.....hey Nat just add to the rest of the shit going on why dont you lol

Nat
xox

You cant be serious!

Well this morning gave me yet another BFN so im not hopeful for Sundays results...I might even ask to go in earlier. I have had some spotting already just like every other god damn cycle.... I never get to BT day without spotting or straight out bleeding. TOTAL BS...I dont know why I have been to 3 FS and not one of them have changed it up for me progynova and pessaries that is all surely they could be putting me on something else....it cant hurt to treat me like I have NK cells etc etc. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO pissed of with my body 3rd donor cycle...donor always comes to the party B always comes to the party why cant Nat.......grrrrrrrrrrrr honestly so upset with my body right now.

Just to make things worse I walked out on my job yesterday I could not take the drama and bullying there any more so i packed my desk up and locker up and said i wont be returning and walked...all before lunch time yesterday. More added pressure now only having 1 income...hopefully not for long...but yeh more added pressure now, we wont be able to transfer for awhile now until i find something else, I dont think I want to transfer again until someone freaking helps me work out why these beautiful embies arent implanting :( This is our last chance and I don't want to just waste the embryos.

SO thats that all good things must come to an end and my winning streak has ended. I probably wouldnt be so down if I knew we could go back to back...somehow I dont think that will be happening.

Thanks wonderful ladies for all your sticky vibes but ET didnt stay home hims very naughty lol

This universe just likes fucking with me im sure :(

Natx

Hatching

Hoping like crazy little ET has made it to blasty and is hatching out today ready to  burrow nice and deep into my lining :) Im staying reasonably calm but then I have those minutes of doubt where I think it hasn't worked in the last 10 years why would it work for this one....I know everyone keeps telling me to remain positive but after so much heart ache I find it hard to stop those moments creeping in.

On a positive note at least im in with a chance this Mothers Day usually I feel like I need to hide on this day.

Hope anyone reading my blog has lovely weekend...Happy Mother's Day to all the Mothers and too those of us who aren't quite there yet, I hope you still can enjoy the day with your Mother.
Nat
xox

PUPO

Finally after 1 and half years since last transfer...finding 2 donors for them to pull out..... we are again PUPO and all thanks to a wonderful generous anonymous donor :) Everything went very smoothly, I just love my FS she is a gorgeous soul. We have a beautiful grade 1 compacting embie on board BT is on the 20th....so happy! B & I were driving home and I said what should we call our embie B says ET I was like WHAT?? do you rekon it looked like ET on the screen he goes no thats what the nurses called it...I said yeh that meant and Embryo transfer hahahahahaha then he continued by saying you know ET phone home thats what its going to do lol so I will go with it

Going to rest up now lazing on the lounge...good weather for it :)

Now I need all the sticky vibes everyone can muster up :)

Here is our beautiful embie :)

Can I allow myself to get excited now?

Today is the day, the day we get to transfer or precious little Embie :)

 I had the worst nights sleep tossing and turning I was even dreaming about all the lovely ladies I have met along the way through this TTC journey...most of them being from the Eastern states...bizarre I know lol :) It was almost like the last 10 years flashing past me again. I woke up and I was nearly hyperventilating whether this embie would thaw. I got stuck into some cleaning then finally allowed myself to make the call, I was shaking like a leaf. To hear our lil ice bubba has made it through the thaw and it looks just as beautiful as before the freeze was a HUUUUGE relief...Im so freaking happy now and allowing myself to get a little bit excited :) So we shall be heading in for a 12.45 admission Yay :) I just hope my body comes to the party....I am more than ready to become a MOTHER :)

I honestly wish I could grab our donor whoever she is and give her the biggest hug what a she is

Natx

Scan Day

Today I had my scan and all is looking perfect with a lining of 12...got to be happy with that :) Got the call this afternoon and transfer is going to be on Wednesday 9/5....YAY! I have started taking the pessaries now and I have to take them Rectally.......argh honestly I was nearly hyperventilating doing it but once I did it I thought ok that wasn't so bad lol....TMI I know but this is way better no mess no laying down for 30 minutes after I call that BIWINNING! Funny what you can do when it comes to trying for a baby lol. Sooooo this is where the nerves set in will the embie thaw ok and then the huge question ....will my body come to the party this time....I bloody hope so!

FINALLY :)

Since my last post my BT results came back with my prog level still remaining a little high so I had to have another bt yesterday and all my hormone levels are now base line :) So today I have finally started my progynova and my scan is on the 5th of May, hopefully transfer will be around the 7th. Still very disconnected from it all...work is doing my head in so i shall be taking as many days off as i can to ensure I am stress free.....even better I get a new job lol

So heres to pill popping :)

x

Day 1

So here we are day 1 of our FET cycle.....so why am I feeling all depressed about it????  I have had the worst month at work and I feel my body is not rested enough and doing a FET will just FAIL. Im totally disconnected from it all at the moment not the greatest way to start something that could possibly be the start of a whole new life. Anyhow I am going for bloods today and meds will probably start tomorrow. WISH ME LUCK.....can I please get of this rollercoaster ride this time round...thanks :)

Are we there yet?

Not quite....16 days ( Approx) before starting meds and counting :) In the last 2 weeks I have been under extreme stress at work and even though FS's and Dr's say stress is not a factor if a cycle  works  or not I am not willing to take the risk. Work knows what we are going through . they tell me they understand and that they will do everything possible to make me feel comfortable eg: take a few days off etc etc yet they still stress me out...its doing my head in. Anyway I will just take time off if I have too ...STUFF THEM :) This is our last chance at a bubba and im not going to let anyone or anything bloody ruin this chance for us!

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE :) We certainly got our Easter eggs early lol :)

1 month to go :)

So here we are with only 1 month to go :) Af showed today and half of me wanted to transfer this month but I want to be on all my vitamins etc for 2 months...whether it makes a difference or not who knows.  Im getting excited but nervous at the same time, my body has let me down so many times I sometimes lose faith in it.

The count down is on :)

7 little Ice Bubbas :)

We have some brilliant news today all our embies have made it to day 3 all still looking beautiful....3 were already at Morula stage the others at 8 cells and all graded at 1 and 2. So they have frozen them all today :) I dont think I have ever heard the word perfect come out of anyones mouths at the clinic about my cycles EVER so Im really happy with that. Now its all up to me....the scary part   I will probably transfer in the next month or 2....whats a few more months of waiting...

I have emailed my FS to see her plans of a FET for me is correct...my last FET's consisted of bloods to detect natural ovulation this time no bloods and im a little concerned about this.  It never gets any easier :|

Our donor angel has done a fantastic job...no words can describe just how wonderful she is :)

Day 2

The nervous wait continues........ I got the call and they are very impressed by how beautiful our Embryos are looking....thats all she could say was beautiful beautiful lol So the 7 are still growing nicely and they are all at 3 to 5 cell stage exactly what they look for at day 2 and are graded at 1's and 2's YAY :) I call again tomorrowabout 3pm to see where they are at and if they are freezing them at day 3. Hoping our donor is recovering well...wherever she is I hope she knows just how grateful we are.

Fertilisation Results :)

I called the clinic  this morning but they were busy so I just have now got the call back. Our wonderful donor has given us 8 beautiful eggs and out of those, 7 have fertilised :) No ICSI needed :) So happy right now but of course the wait isnt over I call back tomorrow to see how they are growing and then discuss on what day we are freezing at. She did suggest day 3 freeze to give them the best chance and when it comes to thawing we can grow them to day 5 if we want. We froze at day 5 when Lorraine cycled for us so im not sure which way is the best way. Right now though Im happy we are getting this opportunity...thrilled to bits
I wish I could tell our donor just how special she is but I hope our card managed to do that!

YAAAAAAAAAY  I need emby growing vibes now :)

Natx

EPU today :)

 Our donor had her EPU today :) Im not sure how it went...wont find out until tomorrow morning how many eggs and what the fertilisation rate was :) We got to the clinic at about 1030 filled out all the paper work and had our bloods done. I did see a theatre nurse come and get a lady who fit the description of what our coordinator gave us so im assuming now that could have been her...right time and all...working on when Braulio needed to give his sample and it all fit in well together...hahaha...I could be wrong but im going with that :) We ended up giving her a card and a little lucky bamboo pot plant...the nurse that took Braulio to his room said she would give it to her after she got out of theatre. While Braulio was doing his business my fav nurse came and got me for a little chat she was so thrilled for us....I think her smile was actually bigger than mine I tried to get more info out of her but all she gave me was that her follicles were just beautiful and all her bloods and levels were just as good. While we were there my specialist actually called to send through info on what I should do...good timing :) So its 2 progynova a day from day 2 to day 8 from day 9 i increase to 3 tablets a day, ultrasound from about day 12 and then i will be on 3 pessaries a day rectally....HMMMMM not too sure about that one but thats what she wants now. Not looking forward to that! So thats about all I can tell you all....I call tomorrow between 10 and 2 to see how things are going :)

Still can not believe this is all happening  :) I sit here wondering how she is feeling after surgery, if she is thinking about who her eggs went too, after reading our card if she is thinking we are someone she would like to meet one day.

Thank you card

Here is the wording we put into our Thank you Card to our anonymous donor. It took me awhile to come up with what I should write to someone I have never met or will probably never met. We are also going to take her a plant and the nurse will pass it all on. I cant believe we will all be at the clinic tomorrow. I will be  searching that clinic like crazy tomorrow wondering which lady is our donor as im sure she will be looking around wondering who is her recipient....bizarre situation but a good one at that :)

Dearest Donor
Thank you so much for the gift you have given us, another chance at becoming parents. After nearly 10 years of trying for our baby our hope was fading but now it has been renewed thanks to you. We know how hard it is to go through the IVF process and we think you are such a wonderful, kind hearted generous lady for going through such a physical and emotional process to help us out, We wish you the best and happiness in years to come. Forever Grateful
N & B xxx

Also just added

We hope you recover well from surgery and please rest up when you return home x


The inside of the card also said
This little message
comes to you today
 to thank you more
than words can say......perfect :)

Off to bed now for an early morning :)

Only 3 days had passed.......

and we got the call :) Yep the call from our coordinator telling us they had a donor for us if we were interested. I was absolutely gobsmacked. After asking a whole heap of questions we found out the very basic details of our donor as she would like to remain anonymous. She had actually started cycling and was ready for egg pick up on Saturday.....I couldnt believe how quickly it was all happening. So I gave B a quick call and asked what he thought...he said YES GO FOR IT so with another quick call back to the clinic it was all systems a go :) I have only had 1 day to get my head around it all and tomorrow is the EPU....WOOHOO  We were told they should really get about 6 to 9 eggs from our donor...so so excited :) We have decided to take her in a card and some flowers....we wont know who she is but the nurse who will be taking care of her will pass them on for us :) We wont be able to identify ourselves in that card either which is a bit of ashame.

So 1030 tomorrow we head into clinic for paper work and for B to give his sample, on Sunday we will find out how many have fertilised and on what day they will freeze the embryos. It will have to be a frozen transfer for me as I have to get my cycle right so that could take a few more months....I dont mind though im just praying that this is it....this is a sign the way the universe wanted us to go about things....So anyone who is reading this please send us some positive baby vibes are way :)

We are on the list!

2 Months had passed and I still hadnt told my clinic or specilaist that Rach had pulled out of donating to us, I just couldnt be bothered dealing with the bullshit. Something told me though to call so after work I email my specialist and told her and I called the clinic and told the coordinator who we have been dealing with for the last 6 year. Both botterly disappointed for us. Our coordinator asked if we would like to go on the Donor list, I had actually forgotten that there was such thing and if there was it would be a hell of a wait. She went on to say that a donor was lined up a few weeks ago for surgery and the recipients got cold feet so she had to ring around looking for someone else who could use the eggs.....I have no idea why a recipient would pull out but hey strange things happen in the donor/ivf world. I agreed to go onto the list and ending the call by saying...lets hope that happens again shall we lol

AS I SAID STRANGE THINGS HAPPEN...............read next post

BLOODY HELL :|

I sent off the Adoption papers for the first seminar ages ago mid January for the 4th Feb Seminar but I never got an invite in the mail so i just assumed maybe they had pushed the date back. We have just got back from a nice Road trip down South for our 10th wedding anniversary and still no bloody invite or date for the seminar. So I called them........and guess what.......Oh we did send that off and we dont know why you wouldnt have received it......GREAT! So of course that seminar has passed and now we have to wait until the 4th of April....ok so its not that far away but how come EVERYTHING TURNS TO SHIT OR DOESNT GO TO PLAN we we talk babies here....so freaking over it! Is this a sign???? that we are just not suppose to have kids????? who bloody knows....... I do know though im getting sick to death of it all! How much more can we go through...... isnt 10 years enough universe??

Still waiting on an angel donor too, as I said in a earlier post we are just going with whatever comes up first, at the moment looks like we have some to holt with both of them!

PISSED OFF!

Will the pain ever go away :(

Not doing too well at the moment. Feeling so down and out its not funny...making me feel physically ill. My 10 year wedding anni is coming up in 2 weeks and instead of being all excited for our party and little trip away i feel miserable and just reminding me that its been 10 years of trying for 1 baby I dont think I dealt with rach pulling out either and now its all starting to hit me, I put up a wall and now its just crumbling down and the fear and sadness disappointment are all crashing through. Another thing getting me down is my stupid AF ( tmi might apply here) Its just horrible..after my lap last year it was great it went back to normal but now i am flooding all over the place, I cant sit down and then get up to walk without huge clots coming out...i can feel it .... I cant sleep as I have to get up 5 times during the night and its doing my head in. For someone who was told at the age of 25 I was going through menopause i wish it would bloody hurry up and start. Bit of a me post and im sorry about that but sometimes I feel better when i write things out and in this case type My brother put together a little video of my little niece starting school ( 4 Yo kindy)...she looked so cute and made me very teary...I just hope one day soon we get to feel the joy of our little one starting school....just gets so hard at times


I did have another lady who wanted to help us but her husband decided he couldnt get his head around maybe one day if a child was born they could go and find their biological mother...or want to know more about her. I wish she had spoken in depth to her DH before approaching me...hopes being dashed all over again :(

This journey never gets easier :(  On the adoption front we are still waiting for our time for appointment to the 1st seminar...i sent paper work way over 2 weeks ago argh!

Still waiting for our angel

Well nothing really happening at the moment., we have sent registration form of to adoption centre just waiting to hear back when our seminar is. Im not feeling confident about the whole adoption thing. There could be up to a 7 year wait....WOW that would put me well and truly into my 40's....by that stage would i really want to have a baby running around at that age????? Who knows, anyway as I said to B we will go along again and this time ask all the questions...can we still try IVF with  donor while on the waiting list are we able to choose our own country thats not on their list etc etc.

As far as looking for a donor is going I have had one lady offer to help us but I declined as she was a little olderthan what we wanted and her hormone levels were just as bad as mine.  She was very understanding when I told her and if anything she has again renewed our hope and faith that there are ladies still out there wanting help us.

CALLING ALL ANGELS....WE ARE WAITING FOR YOU XOX

The Year 2012

What will it hold for B & I????

Well we have again entered into a new year. I am still totally shattered our last donor pulled out so close to starting but I am still hopeful :) We have decided to advertise again for a donor but we have also decided that starting the Adoption process is a good idea too. Whatever comes first. We are waiting now for our registration papers to do to the first adoption seminar, we did this a few years back but apparently because it was so long ago we need to do it again. That seminar is the 1st Feb so not that long of a wait :)

I get knocked down but I get back up again :)